Friday, September 25, 2009

Sometimes I'll have a problem that bothers me for a long time. It could be days, weeks, on the rare occasion even months. I'll sit there and torment myself thinking about the issue and what I should do about it, completely unable to make a decision, or take action.

And then I'll wake up one morning and it will be resolved. I'll know exactly what action to take. It's an odd feeling of tranquility that I often don't notice right away and then it hits me that I am no longer upset. This is usually a good thing but is sometimes accompanied by sadness because often it means I'm surrendering to something I've been trying to fight against. I know though that I can't win every battle and some of them need to be given up for a lost cause. Sometimes the only appropriate action is to walk away.

Odd how that happens.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009


Erin is a finely honed machine and as such requires little maintenance throughout the course of operation. However social lubrication may be necessary on a semi-regular basis. For ease of operation this model Erin was equipped with a very low alcohol tolerance. This gives your Erin the added benefit of being a cheap date. The following are guidelines that should be adhered to.

1. Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker

2. Under no circumstances should you allow Erin to consume alcohol on an empty stomach. This heightens the effect of the alcohol and can affect consciousness.

3. While alcohol is being administered it is wise to guard against behavior that may be considered improper by the general public. Actions should be taken to keep your Erin from participating in activities that could potentially lead to embarrassment, law suits, or public nudity.

4. When the subject has become overly lubricated the built in safety feature known as “purging” will take place. While sometimes causing distress in bystanders this is a very important aspect of your Erin as it helps to reduce the possibility of malfunctions such as hangovers. This model Erin arrives factory direct with short hair making assistance with this function unnecessary.

5. Under no circumstances should you allow Erin to consume the substance known as a “Jager Bomb” as insanity may ensue.

6. Under no circumstances should you allow Erin around sharp objects or fire when she is being lubricated.

7. While it is not recommended you allow your Erin to operate a motorized vehicle of any kind, ever, it is especially important not to allow her to do so while she is lubricated. While cussing may occur, your Erin is programmed to co-operate with this order.

Symptoms of over lubrication may include the following:
- Slurred speech
- Clumsiness
- Lack of dignity
- Unconsciousness
- An unusual amount of time spent on the bathroom floor
- Giggling
- Obnoxiousness
- Lack of train of thought
- Easily distracted
- General mayhem

Failure to follow these guidelines may void the manufacturers warranty and serious injury or death may occur.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

It has always been my belief that the only thing we truly own and control in this world is ourselves. Which is why, being the poor wretch that I am, I believe I should be able to vend bits and pieces of myself to whomever I choose.

I’m not talking about prostitution. While I have a very lenient moral standpoint on it, I personally would not make that choice. I mean, have you seen most of the men who use prostitutes? Now, if you could guarantee me that all my clients would be hot I might consider it. Thomas suggests I should seek employment giving hand jobs in the men’s shower room at Bally’s but there again, I’ve seen the men that work out there. Yikes. However, I am willing to part with some of my excess bodily fluid, or unused eggs. Hell, even a kidney for the right price.

In High School I had fond hopes of selling my eggs either for research purposes or to some poor, lonely couple who desperately wanted a child. I figure I have plenty to spare and if one or more somehow managed to survive the deepfreeze and the drain and make its way into a nice receptive womb, well, my plans for world domination were that much closer. Spreading my genetics could only be a good thing and I would not only be paid for it, I wouldn’t have to do much work. Unfortunately this was before ads for such things could be found on the back of the City Pages and my research only led to dead ends.

Now my fruit is withering on the vine. I am no longer an ideal candidate for donation and I fear I would be rejected out of hand. If I were to be accepted I can only imagine it would be by a bottom rung corporation. My Bio would read –

-31 Yrs old
-Blue Eyes
-Smokes like a Chimney
-Fire Sale Prices!

Something tells me my genetic material will not be shot into space as an example to alien life of the pinnacle of humanity. At this point I wouldn’t care if someone wanted to scoop out my ovule with a Mellon baller and serve it on Croquettes for tea as long as they paid me. But I don’t see that happening; which leads me to my next marketable item; Plasma.

Plasma is where the money is at. The chintzy assed Red Cross will drain me dry for the precious type O negative nectar coursing through my veins. But all I get out of it is a cookie and a glass of watered down “Orange Drink”. Whereas, the plasma center will pay 60 bucks a week for two visits. Now, I’m all for helping people I guess. Maybe. But I’m poor and therefore I want cash for my fluids so that I may buy necessities like smokes and beer. So I went in to Biolife earlier this week and guess what happened? That’s right; REJECTED. Again.

I’ve tried multiple times over the years to slip past thinking that I might find one squirrelly phlebotomist who didn’t care about the miniature size of my veins. I guess they’re afraid I’ll rupture while I’m on the machine and I will sue the hell out of them, or my family will, after I crash and bleed out on the floor.

Normally I get REJECTED with the professional vampire apologizing and explaining to me that my veins are too small and won't accept the gauge of needle that they use without causing me a ridiculous amount of pain. I try explaining that I really don’t care as I have been pierced in some pretty uncomfortable places. I have a high pain threshold. Typically, they look at me with blank eyes and walk away shaking their heads (a reaction I’m surprisingly accustomed to).

The phlebotomist at Biolife didn’t even bother with an explanation. She simply took a tap at my veins and declared “There’s nothing there” she then called another woman over who did the same thing and simply replied with “nope.”

Nothing there! Am I not Human! Do I not bleed!? What do you mean there's nothing there? This constant rejection has damaged my psyche. I now suffer from a rare condition called “Vein envy” I envy all you people with your beautiful golden walled veins for I am akin to some amoeboid sea creature and have none. And I’m still poor.

Perhaps I should track down Mr. Surprisingly not German I’ll pay you $700 to poop in my mouth guy.


On second thought; maybe I’ll just quit smoking.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Exclusivity and Monogamy

1. At no time in the relationship* shall exclusivity or monogamy be assumed until both parties have discussed it and reach a mutual agreement.

2. This subject shall be brought up by the male partner only. (See ‘Past Mistakes’ Pg. 3. Prgh. 2) Until that time Erin shall not bring it up, nor shall she assume that any such agreement is in place. Nor shall the assumption be made that an exclusive relationship is the desired end result.

3. Before such agreement is reached; both parties involved in the relationship are free to date other people with the following caveats:

- Protection must be worn at all times during sexual activity
- While awareness of other partners is mandatory, details of the relationship that is had with them are not, nor are they desired.
- While all other non-plutonic partners in question must be aware of Erin’s existence, it is neither necessary nor desirable for them to know her identity, and vice versa.
- If attending the same social function, but with a partner other than each other, politeness dictates that Erin or the male in question is made aware of this to avoid any social gaffes or awkwardness that may arise from this situation.

4. If or when the agreement to enter into an exclusive, monogamous relationship with Erin is reached the discussion must next focus on the change in boundaries. However, it must be noted that once a monogamous relationship has been decided upon, all outside activity with other partners must immediately cease and desist. From that point on any such activity is considered “cheating” and will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

* In this document used to describe any involvement with Erin that is considered to be greater than a plutonic friendship

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Bloody hell!

Suck it up people! nobodies lives are perfect, far from it. Grow up and move on. Find a constructive use for your pain or barring that, drink a lot. Just please STFU because I'm sick of listening to you whine

I hope we have a plague soon.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I forgot I had one of these things. Heh.